


Thorin, No.

by chrystal896



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, An Unexpected Journey, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, BAMF Everybody, Crack, Drama King, Gen, Manners Matter, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Thorin Is an Idiot, directionally challenged Thorin, except Thorin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 05:38:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5773444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrystal896/pseuds/chrystal896
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A 6+1</p>
<p>Or, Six times where Thorin learns common sense, manners, and appropriate timing from the people closest to him, and the one time they yelled at Bilbo instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thorin, No.

**Author's Note:**

> Pure crack because I watched An Unexpected Journey and wondered what would have actually happened had most of the company had the guts to look at Thorin and just say no when he was clearly being a drama king. There is hope for similar chapters relating to DoS and BotFA. I apologize for what comes out of my brain when it's sleep deprived. This did not have a beta for it so any mistakes are of my own doing. Kudos are love!

~~~~~~~

“He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.”

 

“Thorin, no.” Balin said flatly, smacking him upside the head. “You are not going to insult our host and Gandalf in the same breath. I taught you better than that.”

 

With a half-hearted apology, Thorin sat down at the table and stewed in silence as the company tried to convince Bilbo Baggins, politely, that he was vital to their quest.

 

~~~~~~~

 

“We camp here for the night,” Thorin commanded, hopping down from his pony.

 

Twelve Dwarrows, one hobbit, and one wizard looked at him and then at the burnt out shelter.

 

“Thorin, no.” Gandalf rumbled with far greater imperiousness, wheeling his horse around. One by one, the others fell into line behind him leaving one very irate King to remount his horse and follow along to safer pastures.

 

~~~~~~~

 

“I have told you already, I will not go near that place,” snarled Thorin, insulted at the mere mention of Elves.

 

“Thorin, no!” snapped Bilbo. “We’ve already established that your sense of direction is terrible – really, who gets lost in a town that only has ONE road – and you are trying to follow an incomplete map. I will not spend the next four months wandering around while you lead us over hill and dale trying to find a way into that bloody mountain of yours when Lord Elrond can point us straight at it. We’re going.”

 

Stiff-legged, the hobbit clambered back on Myrtle and road out of camp, miraculously headed the right way. With a shrug, Gandalf swung up on his own horse and followed the hobbit, and once more, the line of dwarrows looked from Thorin and then back to Bilbo before as one remounting and following behind Gandalf. They may not like the Elves, but they trusted the common sense of the hobbit.

 

~~~~~~~

 

“I thought we’d lost our burglar,” Dwalin called in relief as he hauled Thorin up and over the rock.

 

“He’s been lost every since he left home,” retorted Thorin, wiping the water from his eyes. “He should never have come. He has no place amongst us.”

 

“Thorin, no!” cried Bofur, sheltering the shivering hobbit. “It could have just as easily been Kíli or myself who’d have gone over. You can’t go blaming the lad for losing his grip on a mountain that was bloody moving!”

 

Around him were nods of agreement. With a sigh and a silent prayer to Mahal to end whatever curse his companions were under that was making them so disagreeable to everything he said, Thorin ignored them all and went in search of shelter.

 

~~~~~~~

 

“No. No fires. Not in this place.”

 

Gloin looked up at him in confusion. “Thorin, no. We’re wet. The cave is dark. We have no wizard and we haven’t eaten since Rivendell. I’m making a fire.”

 

Suffice it to say, that the lovely, warm fire also produced enough light to see an ever-growing crack in the floor. Bilbo’s letter opener didn’t even have time to glow blue before every dwarf was awake and clutching a weapon prepared to meet the horde of Goblins that emerged from the dark.

 

~~~~~~~

 

“He is long gone,” Thorin murmured, looking majestically out into the distance.

 

“Thorin, no.” Bilbo said impatiently from beside him, startling him. “You’ve insulted me, almost dragged me through a troll camp, accused me of falling off a mountain on purpose, and then let me nearly fall to my death and be eaten by a crazed creature. Clearly, your logic can’t be trusted. You need hobbit-sense so I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

 

Around them, there were a few snickers, but mostly nodding heads. No one could fault that logic. Thorin shook his head and wondered, _why him?_

 

~~~~~~~

 

“I do believe the worst is behind us,” Bilbo said happily, staring at the peak of the Lonely Mountain.

 

As one, the entire company behind him flinched and shouted, “Bilbo, no!”

 

Bofur’s eyes opened wide and Bombur actually whimpered. In contrast, Dwalin closed his eyes in resignation and Balin was speechless. The rest were in varying states of shock while Bilbo looked up at Thorin who just sighed.

 

“What did I say?” Bilbo asked innocently and Thorin just shook his head.

 

“I hope you are right, Master Baggins.” Was his reply. “I just hope you are right.”


End file.
